feeling emotional with my JPJ test

Salam.

Tonight, I feel so emotional. Maybe because I'm on my period. I am done crying few minutes ago, silently.

I had posted few entries before, about how my driving lesson goes. But I didn't updated anything after then. That's the main reason I am writing this right now. Hm, almost a month ago, I'd finished my driving lessons and took JPJ test at the end of July. I was really nervous and excited at the same time. My heart was beating so hard I was afraid the person sitting next to me could heard it. I was hoping to get a PASS for the test and going home bragging to my parent and Adik.

The RPK turned out to be the easiest one. I thought it was difficult?! But Alhamdulillah, passed for that one. Everyone did lah 🙄 HAHAHAHAHA

Then after waiting for around 30 minutes, it was my turn untuk ambil ujian di litar. Okay, as usual, we started with mendaki bukit first. I wasn't really nervous (a bit lah kot sebab kena drive Axia) but I had a good feeling 'bout it though. And yes, the tyre was right in the yellow line 💯✔ I felt really great and almost jumped out of joy, right until when the car terundur ke belakang. Then, there comes a man who nicely asked me to get out of the car. I was clueless. Not sure why he told me to get off the car. I thought Oh maybe memang dia suruh turun dulu lah kot, nanti parking guna kereta lain. I had that in my mind until I saw a big, red FAIL on my paper slip. I felt so stupid. Long sigh. I'd never saw anything like that in my 19 years of living. Not even in school.

For sure, I couldn't hold my tears while sitting on the bench, looking at the others doing the parking etc. The tears didn't seem to stop soon so, I just sat there with my head looking down at the ground. It haven't been 10 minutes yet from the moment my turn was called. I was glad I wasn't come to the test alone. The girl who took lesson with the same agent as I was, Aisyah were there, offering me a tin of drink she bought right after she saw me crying. I was really thankful to her for comforting me walaupun aku masih tak berhenti menangis. May Allah bless you always, Aisyah. And well, she passed anyway. If not, maybe she would be crying with me. Ceh tipu je. She seems to be a strong girl tak lembik macam aku. Haha. Laughing at myself. Such a loser.

Aku ingat dah fail terus balik. Tapi tunggu jelah sebab Aisyah tak habis lagi. Rupanya, still kena ambil ujian on the road. Kau rasa lepas menangis air mata darah tu aku boleh concentrate ke nak drive?!?!?!?! They were so cruel to make me drive in such situation 😑

I took a deep, long breath. Phuewwww, sigh. Again. I was waiting in the car alone, didn't know where JPJ officer was and when he or she would comes. After waiting for almost 10 minutes, he appeared. Bagi salam, to be polite. I had already have my seatbelt on so, I just continued with checking the side mirrors and all. After that, the road test begun. I tried to be as much concentrate as I could. First route, checked done! But I stucked at the second route yang ada traffic light. Hmm, sigh. The engine mati. I tried to relax and hidupkan balik enjin tapi masa nak jalan balik, enjin terpadam lagi. The traffic light showed red. Cool down Aida, I told myself. The traffic light showed green, oh my, I want to pass this thing, again, yes the engine went off. Tried to start it again and jalan but failed. Red light again. I guess, the officer went mad, he said Kenapa lah kelam kabut sangat. Tekan minyak, lepas clutch lepas tu jalan lah. Ni dah 2 kali lampu merah. His tone sounds really angry. I was scared. He told me to get off the driver seat, and he drove back. Sampai dekat institut, he said he was trying to help me masa enjin terpadam masa dekat lampu merah for the first time. But since, dah 2 kali lampu merah, he couldn't help but cop the big FAIL for the road test. I cried in the car, next to him. I couldn't stop saying sorry for doing it badly. Dan rasa serba salah menyusahkan dia when he had lot of things to take care of. That's probably the most humiliating and embarassing moment in my life.

I was really really sorry to him. And to myself.

Aisyah came near me and asked how I was doing. My eyes became teary and my voice cracked. I couldn't talk at that time so, I showed ✋ suruh dia tunggu kejap. I need to calm down lil bit before start talking about it. All I want at that time was going home. But since it was Friday, we had to wait until Friday prayer sampai pukul 3 petang macam tu.

At home, I locked myself up in the room. Everyone would know there was something wrong with me when I stay in my room. Because, aku memang bukan jenis duduk dalam bilik. The living room is my space area. I watch tv there, eat there, drink there and also sleep there with both of my legs wide open.

I cried, again and again and again and again. I didn't really talk to anyone when I was home for the whole day. I didn't eat for the whole day. I only drank mineral water and a tin of drink Aisyah bought me that morning. I was super hungry but don't have any appetite to eat.

I cried so much, my chest hurted a lot. I felt pain to breathe. I felt really terrible. My mom said I shouldn't cried because she failed for the first time too. But that's not really the case. I mean, I did really good on my last day of driving lesson. I didn't make any mistakes. At all tau. Jadi faham tak bila suddenly buat teruk gilaaaaaaaaa nak mati?! Huh the feelings remind me of the day when SPM results were out. I cried my eyes out too and didn't talk to anyone for three days. Three days okay.

Nora, my roommate knew I was taking the JPJ test. She wished me a good luck. She failed too and she still scared to retake the test. I was really hoping she won't whatsapp-ed me and asked anything related to JPJ test. But she did 😔 I tried to be positive and told her I was okay and would retake the test later. But deep inside, I am not.

My mom asked the agent to tempah ujian JPJ lagi sekali on this 18th before the new semester starts. I am still scared. Aku ada berlatih drive bukit a few times with my mom, but believe me, I feel like dying everytime I do the mendaki bukit. Rasa takut sangat sangat. Then, on last Thursday, I practiced with my dad. Aku tak suka sebab Abah suka bebel 😒

Dah lah duduk sebelah, lepas tu pergi tarikkan brek tangan masa kat bukit. Should I said thanks? Nah, never. Aku yang belajar, aku kena lah buat benda tu sendiri. Lepas tu pergi kacau aku punya gear. Ya Allah, tolong lah. I was stressed out. Masa nak bergerak teruskan naik bukit tu dia marah sebab asyik tekan pedal minyak. Bila dia marah, sumpah seram. Dah lah suara Abah kasar bila cakap dengan orang. Terus dia suruh aku turun dia kata Tak boleh lah biar yong bawa macam ni. Bahaya. Dah turun turun. Aku dah emotional sangat. Then, he told me to practice lagi. Like what, seriously?!???? Memang tak lah. Aku terus cakap nak balik dengan air mata bercucuran macam mati laki. My god. tak sampai 10 minit pun weh. Tak kisah lah, all I did after that was crying alone. And I didn't talk to him for a day.

After that incident, I am totally lost all of my confidence.

SIGH.

I supposed to retake my test next week kan. But I told my mom tonight to call the agent and cancel it. Then, I cried.

I told my mom I would just wait for my future husband to drive for me. Okay, Mama agreed.

I still remember how excited I was everytime I come home from the driving lessons. I want to drive a car like other people do. Everyone looks so cool when they are driving. I want to be able to go anywhere without depend on others. Mama selalu cakap once Adik cukup 17 tahun, dia nak Adik terus ambil lesen. Because Adik is the only one she can depends on to ride motor and drive car. Honestly, that pretty much hurt my pride. Because I am the eldest. I hate depend too much to my dad. I asked her to drive me to Kajang or somewhere else when I have things to buy. But, he barely does. And when I want to asked Adik to buy something at the convenience stores near the house, sometimes she will but sometimes, she won't. The worst part is when we had a fight, dia akan cakap Engkau, masa nak minta tolong dekat aku baru nak buat baik. I hate that the most. Dia tak ingat agaknya how much money I spent on he, and how much money from working that I hardly earned and spent on myself but I gave to her every month. Wah, it's annoyed me a lot. She should be more grateful. Tahu lah dia much more bigger and taller than me and sekarang she knows how to earn money from doing dropship, tapi she should still show some respect. I am her big sister anyway.

Better rotan my future kids if they don't show any respect to their elder siblings #betternotbecomelikeyourmaksukids #mypridehurt #nodrivinglessonanymore #needsomemotivations #thepostlabelislegaldriver #butiamnot #ifailedmyjpjtestguys